The Ballad of St Helena

Hilary 2024

The Ballad of St Helena is a hilarious pastiche of small town living, with a time-travelling twist! On the South Atlantic island of St Helena, three kids, trying to escape from under their father’s thumb, accidently send themselves back in time and bump into the island’s most famous resident: exiled French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte! Hijinks ensue, and when the trio return home they find that by meddling in the past, things in the present aren’t quite as they left them…

Money raised:

£TBA

Charities:

Recording

Trailer

Cast

Chutney Family

Ballad of St Helena
Samphire

Corpus Christi

"I had nice supple child feet"

Ballad of St Helena
Kumquat

St Anne's

"Pick one of my children to assault"

Ballad of St Helena
Pomegranate

Mansfield

"I'm a fruit!"

empty
Quince
Misha Mir

"Nepotism runs in the family"

Ballad of St Helena
Nectarine

LMH

"How many holes did Jesus have? Like in total?"

Ballad of St Helena
Durian

Merton

"Shut up! (whacks him)"

Townsfolk

The Ballad of St Helena
Mrs Baker

Magdalen

"Used to go scrumping at a convent"

Ballad of St Helena
Mr Butcher

Oriel

"I want to be straight but Timmy's too hot"

Ballad of St Helena
Mr Farmer

Magdalen

"Witnessing Oxford students is so depressing"

Ballad of St Helena
Mr Fisher

St Catherines

"I just have a lot of hollow places"

Ballad of St Helena
Mr Sheriff

"That's racist"

Ballad of St Helena

"I just like bullying you"

Ballad of St Helena

"that"

Ballad of St Helena
Prefect

Wadham

"Bored, salty, and alone... and in your area"

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Parkinson

"Napoleon complex? I actually find it quite simple"

Ballad of St Helena
Reverend

Mansfield

"If a pig had eight arms it could probably open things too"

Ballad of St Helena
Nun

Magdalen

"There's always ghosts in gay"

Ballad of St Helena
The Judge

St Hilda's

"Bonking Fabian on the head with a gavel"

Ballad of St Helena
Mrs Smarm

Keble

"Aggressively playing G"

Ballad of St Helena
The Jailor

St Anne's

"A little terrorism never hurt anyone"

Ballad of St Helena
Prisoner

"Bored salty singles"

The Outsiders

Ballad of St Helena
Ghost Napoleon

LMH

"I can do threatening"

Ballad of St Helena
Real Napoleon

Wadham

"I can be a twink if you want"

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Ghost Caesar

Pembroke

"Nutty oat bomb"

Ballad of St Helena
Private

"You miss 100% of the shots you miss"

Ballad of St Helena
Lieutenant

Balliol

"I'm not drunk on power I'm drunk on rosé"

Ballad of St Helena
Colonel

St Anne's

"This one looks harder than the other one"

Ballad of St Helena
Jacob

Oriel

"I'm accusing you of post-marital sex"

Ballad of St Helena
The Governor

St Peter's

"No, you dabbling buffoon"

Ballad of St Helena
Richard

"Dear United Nations give me ******* wifi *****"

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Rachel
Harriet Norris

Harris Manchester

"Quiet you, before I make you extinct as well"

Ballad of St Helena
Rachel (Thursday)

Magdalen

"The hill shaped bit. Of the volcano"

Ballad of St Helena
Ritchie

Magdalen

"Not Ritchie Dickbig?"

Ballad of St Helena
Liz

LMH

"So what do you think of rocks?"

Ballad of St Helena
Ellie

Worcester

"Mmmm I love rocks"

Crew

Direction

Directors

Regent's Park

"What, you think a twink could stop me?"

St Anne's

"We want REAL TEARS, Connor"

Assistant Directors

St Anne's

"I am the biggest proponent of back entrance"

St Anne's

"Can his middle name just be Penis?"

Writing

Writer

St Anne's

"French (derogatory)"

Script Editors

Univ

"Be further back so your arm is longer"

Oriel

"All feminists these days want is for Mark Ruffalo to clock in for a dick inspection"

St Hugh's

"Sorry for violating your script, Patrick"

Production

Production Manager

Corpus Christi

"Men tend to be Australian"

Production Assistants

St Hugh's

"I say lots of awful things"

"My full name is Anticlimax"

Univ

"If you don't have a man trap, a bear trap will do"

Stage Manager

"Do you know about ducks"

Costume Designer

Corpus Christi

"When given big tiddy, you must goth girl"

Co-Tech Directors

Corpus Christi

"I have manly tits"

Univ

"I'm a Geordie, what do you think the G in LGBT stands for?"

Marketing

Marketing Manager

"Make it more gay"

Marketing Assistants

Magdalen

"I like men less"

Univ

"We shouldn't anger god without good reason"

Graphic Designer

Balliol

"Gay people - still around!"

Photographer

Balliol

"So I can't read"

Trailer Writer/Editor/Director

"It's my turn for concrete sex"

Music

Music Directors

St Anne's

"You can go way more sus on that"

St Anne's

"I wanna put Fabian in a caveman outfit"

Choreographers

Wadham

"Boxstepping out of the womb"

St Hilda's

"*Bobs up and down aggressively*"

Pianist

St Anne's

Bassist

Pembroke

"If I look at you in fear"

Other

Welfare Officer

Corpus Christi

"Sacrificing the welfare of one for the welfare of many is sometimes the goal"

Venue Coordinator

Oriel

"I'm masc!! I'm masc!!"

Songs

This Island We Call Home

Keble

"Throw a D at them"

Chugging Along

St Anne's

"There's beef in the lipsman fandom"

Everything You've Done Wrong

St Anne's

"I for one am a great fan of child cruelty"

Crime is Bad

Magdalen

"Me and my nun besties"

Dreaming of Escaping St Helena

Oriel

"It's giving hole esme"

Esme Harper (Music)

"I do NOT demand you keep the daddy line"

How Did We End Up Here?

St Anne's

"I'm very supportive of women in general, just not you"

The Final Song

Wadham

"*Squalk Squalk!* Dysentry!"