The Ballad of St Helena

Hilary 2024

The Ballad of St Helena is a hilarious pastiche of small town living, with a time-travelling twist! On the South Atlantic island of St Helena, three kids, trying to escape from under their father’s thumb, accidently send themselves back in time and bump into the island’s most famous resident: exiled French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte! Hijinks ensue, and when the trio return home they find that by meddling in the past, things in the present aren’t quite as they left them…

Money raised:

£TBA

Charities:

Recording

Trailer

Cast

Chutney Family

Samphire

Libby Alldread

Corpus Christi

"I had nice supple child feet"

Kumquat

Connor Craig

St Anne's

"Pick one of my children to assault"

Pomegranate

Dami Adedoyin-Adeniyi

Mansfield

"I'm a fruit!"

Quince

Misha Mir

"Nepotism runs in the family"

Nectarine

Phoebe Saunders

LMH

"How many holes did Jesus have? Like in total?"

Durian

Rohan Selva-Radov

Merton

"Shut up! (whacks him)"

Townsfolk

Mrs Baker

Katie Oke

Magdalen

"Used to go scrumping at a convent"

Mr Butcher

Chris Morson

Oriel

"I want to be straight but Timmy's too hot"

Mr Farmer

Tamsin White

Magdalen

"Witnessing Oxford students is so depressing"

Mr Fisher

Rafael Armstrong

St Catherines

"I just have a lot of hollow places"

Mr Sheriff

Alif Aziz

"That's racist"

Mr Smith

Maiya Kowalewska

Magdalen

"I just like bullying you"

Mr Johnson

Patrick Painter

St Anne's

"that"

Prefect

Em Fawcett

Wadham

"Bored, salty, and alone... and in your area"

Parkinson

Ekin Pehlivan

"Napoleon complex? I actually find it quite simple"

Reverend

Tom Onslow

Mansfield

"If a pig had eight arms it could probably open things too"

Nun

Ali Witheford

Magdalen

"There's always ghosts in gay"

The Judge

Cassie Wicks

St Hilda's

"Bonking Fabian on the head with a gavel"

Mrs Smarm

Aleks Matkowska

Keble

"Aggressively playing G"

The Jailor

Fabian Bourdeaux

St Anne's

"A little terrorism never hurt anyone"

Prisoner

Fen Brunt

"Bored salty singles"

The Outsiders

Ghost Napoleon

Soren Wang

LMH

"I can do threatening"

Real Napoleon

Rebecca Harper

Wadham

"I can be a twink if you want"

Ghost Caesar

Lily Massey

Pembroke

"Nutty oat bomb"

Private

Jake Gausden

"You miss 100% of the shots you miss"

Lieutenant

Freddie Houlahan

Balliol

"I'm not drunk on power I'm drunk on rosé"

Colonel

Andrew French

St Anne's

"This one looks harder than the other one"

Jacob

Teddy Farrand

Oriel

"I'm accusing you of post-marital sex"

The Governor

Alice Goyer

St Peter's

"No, you dabbling buffoon"

Richard

Max Northcott

"Dear United Nations give me ******* wifi *****"

Rachel

Harriet Norris

Harris Manchester

"Quiet you, before I make you extinct as well"

Rachel (Thursday)

Maiya Kowalewska

Magdalen

"The hill shaped bit. Of the volcano"

Ritchie

Ali Witheford

Magdalen

"Not Ritchie Dickbig?"

Liz

Jenny Sloyan

LMH

"So what do you think of rocks?"

Ellie

Abi Pearce

Worcester

"Mmmm I love rocks"

Crew

Direction

Directors

Cecilia Twigger

Regent's Park

"What, you think a twink could stop me?"

Warwick Wagner

St Anne's

"We want REAL TEARS, Connor"

Assistant Directors

Chris Chang

St Anne's

"I am the biggest proponent of back entrance"

Sebastian Morson

St Anne's

"Can his middle name just be Penis?"

Writing

Writer

Patrick Painter

St Anne's

"French (derogatory)"

Script Editors

Amy Hemsworth

Univ

"Be further back so your arm is longer"

Danann Kilburn

Oriel

"All feminists these days want is for Mark Ruffalo to clock in for a dick inspection"

Wren Talbot-Ponsonby

St Hugh's

"Sorry for violating your script, Patrick"

Production

Production Manager

Libby Alldread

Corpus Christi

"Men tend to be Australian"

Production Assistants

Wren Talbot-Ponsonby

St Hugh's

"I say lots of awful things"

Max Northcott

"My full name is Anticlimax"

Amy Hemsworth

Univ

"If you don't have a man trap, a bear trap will do"

Stage Manager

Fen Brunt

"Do you know about ducks"

Costume Designer

Beth Longworth

Corpus Christi

"When given big tiddy, you must goth girl"

Co-Tech Directors

Libby Alldread

Corpus Christi

"I have manly tits"

Kai Wray

Univ

"I'm a Geordie, what do you think the G in LGBT stands for?"

Marketing

Marketing Manager

Max Northcott

"Make it more gay"

Marketing Assistants

Maiya Kowalewska

Magdalen

"I like men less"

Amy Hemsworth

Univ

"We shouldn't anger god without good reason"

Graphic Designer

Freddie Houlahan

Balliol

"Gay people - still around!"

Photographer

Freddie Houlahan

Balliol

"So I can't read"

Trailer Writer/Editor/Director

Max Northcott

"It's my turn for concrete sex"

Music

Music Directors

Chris Chang

St Anne's

"You can go way more sus on that"

Patrick Painter

St Anne's

"I wanna put Fabian in a caveman outfit"

Choreographers

Rebecca Harper

Wadham

"Boxstepping out of the womb"

Cassie Wicks

St Hilda's

"*Bobs up and down aggressively*"

Pianist

Patrick Painter

St Anne's

Bassist

Lily Massey

Pembroke

"If I look at you in fear"

Other

Welfare Officer

Beth Longworth

Corpus Christi

"Sacrificing the welfare of one for the welfare of many is sometimes the goal"

Venue Coordinator

Teddy Farrand

Oriel

"I'm masc!! I'm masc!!"

Songs

This Island We Call Home

Aleks Matkowska

Keble

"Throw a D at them"

Chugging Along

Patrick Painter

St Anne's

"There's beef in the lipsman fandom"

Everything You've Done Wrong

Chris Chang

St Anne's

"I for one am a great fan of child cruelty"

Crime is Bad

Katie Oke

Magdalen

"Me and my nun besties"

Dreaming of Escaping St Helena

Teddy Farrand (Lyrics)

Oriel

"It's giving hole morris"

Morris Harper (Music)

"I do NOT demand you keep the daddy line"

How Did We End Up Here?

Fabian Bourdeaux

St Anne's

"I'm very supportive of women in general, just not you"

The Final Song

Em Fawcett

Wadham

"*Squalk Squalk!* Dysentry!"