The Ballad of St Helena

Hilary 2024

The Ballad of St Helena is a hilarious pastiche of small town living, with a time-travelling twist! On the South Atlantic island of St Helena, three kids, trying to escape from under their father’s thumb, accidently send themselves back in time and bump into the island’s most famous resident: exiled French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte! Hijinks ensue, and when the trio return home they find that by meddling in the past, things in the present aren’t quite as they left them…

Money raised:

£TBA

Charities:

Recording

Trailer

Cast

Chutney Family

libby
Samphire

Corpus Christi

"I had nice supple child feet"

connor
Kumquat

St Anne's

"Pick one of my children to assault"

dami
Pomegranate
Dami Adedoyin-Adeniyi

Mansfield

"I'm a fruit!"

empty
Quince
Misha Mir

"Nepotism runs in the family"

phoebe
Nectarine
Phoebe Saunders

LMH

"How many holes did Jesus have? Like in total?"

rohan
Durian
Rohan Selva-Radov

Merton

"Shut up! (whacks him)"

Townsfolk

The Ballad of St Helena
Mrs Baker

Magdalen

"Used to go scrumping at a convent"

chris
Mr Butcher
Chris Morson

Oriel

"I want to be straight but Timmy's too hot"

tamsin
Mr Farmer
Tamsin White

Magdalen

"Witnessing Oxford students is so depressing"

raf
Mr Fisher

St Catherines

"I just have a lot of hollow places"

alif
Mr Sheriff
Alif Aziz

"That's racist"

maja
Mr Smith
Maiya Kowalewska

"I just like bullying you"

patrick

"that"

em
Prefect

Wadham

"Bored, salty, and alone... and in your area"

empty
Parkinson

"Napoleon complex? I actually find it quite simple"

tom
Reverend

Mansfield

"If a pig had eight arms it could probably open things too"

ali
Nun

Magdalen

"There's always ghosts in gay"

cassie
The Judge

St Hilda's

"Bonking Fabian on the head with a gavel"

aleks
Mrs Smarm

Keble

"Aggressively playing G"

fabian
The Jailor

St Anne's

"A little terrorism never hurt anyone"

fen
Prisoner

"Bored salty singles"

The Outsiders

soren
Ghost Napoleon
Soren Wang

LMH

"I can do threatening"

rebecca
Real Napoleon

Wadham

"I can be a twink if you want"

empty
Ghost Caesar

Pembroke

"Nutty oat bomb"

jacob
Private
Jake Gausden

"You miss 100% of the shots you miss"

freddie
Lieutenant

Balliol

"I'm not drunk on power I'm drunk on rosé"

andrew
Colonel
Andrew French

St Anne's

"This one looks harder than the other one"

teddy
Jacob

Oriel

"I'm accusing you of post-marital sex"

alice
The Governor

St Peter's

"No, you dabbling buffoon"

max
Richard

"Dear United Nations give me ******* wifi *****"

empty
Rachel
Harriet Norris

Harris Manchester

"Quiet you, before I make you extinct as well"

maja
Rachel (Thursday)

Magdalen

"The hill shaped bit. Of the volcano"

ali
Ritchie

Magdalen

"Not Ritchie Dickbig?"

jenny
Liz

LMH

"So what do you think of rocks?"

abi
Ellie

Worcester

"Mmmm I love rocks"

Crew

Direction

Directors

Regent's Park

"What, you think a twink could stop me?"

St Anne's

"We want REAL TEARS, Connor"

Assistant Directors

St Anne's

"I am the biggest proponent of back entrance"

St Anne's

"Can his middle name just be Penis?"

Writing

Writer

St Anne's

"French (derogatory)"

Script Editors

Univ

"Be further back so your arm is longer"

Oriel

"All feminists these days want is for Mark Ruffalo to clock in for a dick inspection"

St Hugh's

"Sorry for violating your script, Patrick"

Production

Production Manager

Corpus Christi

"Men tend to be Australian"

Production Assistants

St Hugh's

"I say lots of awful things"

"My full name is Anticlimax"

Univ

"If you don't have a man trap, a bear trap will do"

Stage Manager

"Do you know about ducks"

Costume Designer

Corpus Christi

"When given big tiddy, you must goth girl"

Co-Tech Directors

Corpus Christi

"I have manly tits"

Univ

"I'm a Geordie, what do you think the G in LGBT stands for?"

Marketing

Marketing Manager

"Make it more gay"

Marketing Assistants

Magdalen

"I like men less"

Univ

"We shouldn't anger god without good reason"

Graphic Designer

Balliol

"Gay people - still around!"

Photographer

Balliol

"So I can't read"

Trailer Writer/Editor/Director

"It's my turn for concrete sex"

Music

Music Directors

St Anne's

"You can go way more sus on that"

St Anne's

"I wanna put Fabian in a caveman outfit"

Choreographers

Wadham

"Boxstepping out of the womb"

St Hilda's

"*Bobs up and down aggressively*"

Pianist

St Anne's

Bassist

Pembroke

"If I look at you in fear"

Other

Welfare Officer

Corpus Christi

"Sacrificing the welfare of one for the welfare of many is sometimes the goal"

Venue Coordinator

Oriel

"I'm masc!! I'm masc!!"

Songs

This Island We Call Home

Keble

"Throw a D at them"

Chugging Along

St Anne's

"There's beef in the lipsman fandom"

Everything You've Done Wrong

St Anne's

"I for one am a great fan of child cruelty"

Crime is Bad

Magdalen

"Me and my nun besties"

Dreaming of Escaping St Helena

Oriel

"It's giving hole morris"

Morris Harper (Music)

"I do NOT demand you keep the daddy line"

How Did We End Up Here?

St Anne's

"I'm very supportive of women in general, just not you"

The Final Song

Wadham

"*Squalk Squalk!* Dysentry!"